Toxic Positivity

It sounds like a bit of an oxymoron. How can being positive be toxic?

Toxic positivity as defines by the Psychology Group “the excessive and ineffective overgeneralisation of a happy state across all situations… result[ing] in the denial…and invalidation of the authentic emotional experience”. In other words the papering over of how people feel instead of accepting that negative emotions are okay.

The truth is we are all human. We all feel jealousy, grief, anger and frustration. This is a normal fact of life. However, as well intentioned as the ‘stay positive’, ‘it could be worse’ comments are they minimise the legitimacy of these emotions.

Below are some common expressions and experiences of toxic positivity to help you recognize how it manifests in our everyday lives without us even realising it.

Hiding/Masking your true feelings– brushing it off as if it doesn’t matter
Trying to “just get on with it” by stuffing/dismissing an emotion(s)
Feeling guilty for feeling what you feel- don’t lie and say you never do this because we do. We all do. It’s ok. It’s part of being human.
Minimizing other people’s experiences with “feel good” quotes or statements- as well intentioned as these comments might be they end up undermining what that person is going through.
Trying to give someone perspective (e.g., “it could be worse”) instead of validating their emotional experience – tell them that it’s okay to feel the way that they do. Don’t compare and contrast how stressed you are or how someone else might have it worse. They are entitled to feel the way they do.
Shaming or chastising others for expressing frustration or anything other than positivity– please don’t be cruel to people who express negative comments or feelings. It is important that positivity is not shoved down peoples throats. They are allowed a good moan.
Brushing off things that are bothering you with a “It is what it is”- I have a colleague at work whose catch phrase is ‘it is what it is’. For them that’s how they deal with whatever is happening. For others though it could be seen as quite a demeaning comment. So use this phrase with caution please.

Toxic positivity can have a significant impact on out mental health for a variety of reasons.

SHAME

To force a person to have a positive outlook on the pain and suffering they are experiencing is to in effect encourage a person to keep silent about their struggles. Most of us have an inherrent fear of being seen as a drag or a Debbie downer. So when we have a choice between A) being brave and honest or B) pretending like everything is going great, we are more often than not tempted to adopt the latter option.

SUPRESSED EMOTIONS

While subconsciously shaming people for their negative emotions we are inevitly teaching them that no one wants to know. So what do they do?? They suppress these emotions.

Below is a table which has some fantastic examples of what Toxic Positivity can look like and alternative phrases to use.